Welcome to the Susan Elizabeth Phillips Bulletin Board
All good-hearted readers welcome.
Val
Member since Apr-22-04
1570 posts |
Sep-03-10, 10:48 AM (CST) |
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"I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
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Hello ladies, I've been MIA for some time but my life has been... well, weird/sad/good/unpredictable this year. I changed jobs again. I was offered a wonderful position to head the new Gender and Civil Society department at the World Bank DR which I am doing now. My father died at the end of April. I broke off my 7 year relationship with my long time bf, I moved to another apartment and I have met someone new. In December while on some meetings in El Salvador I met a wonderful man. He's a Spanish author and was there giving some lectures. We skyped online for some months and after that I went to Madrid twice to visit him (April/June)and he spend a month here this past August. I am in love. I've never felt like this before but HATE that we are so far away from each other. Even to Skype we have issues b/c of the time difference (he's 6 hours ahead!). My Contract at the WB ends in Dec but might be renewed and I would like to continue here but for the first time ever I'd be willing to move just so I can be with him and see if things work out between us. I really think he is the one. I've moved before to study and would certainly move for a job then why not for love? The problem is I am very independent and would hate to depend on him until I can find a job (which might end up being a crappy job b/c I'm not an EU citizen!). I'm also uncomfortable with the idea of leaving everything behind and moving for someone *sigh* It's just, I can't work or concentrate, sleep, eat. I do nothing but think about him ALL day. He travels a lot b/c of his job and might come to DR twice before Dec for short visits, but I don't want these short visits anymore, I want a real relationship. I hate not being able to smell him or touch him or just look into his eyes  He says he won't be able to take this much longer and one of us has to make a decision from here to Dec. but it would be easier for me to fin a job in my area in Spain (eventually) than for him to consult for companies here (he could write here but the rest of his work is with European companies). What would you guys do?
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hopeful soul
Member since Nov-23-05
10564 posts |
Sep-03-10, 11:21 AM (CST) |
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2. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #0
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Val, of all the Seppies here, you are by far one of the most independent-minded, level-headed person I know. All relationships need to have some room for give and take, and you moving would be a huge give, but the pay-off could be completely worth it. If you have such strong feelings for him, if you do actually believe he’s the one…but my only concern is that because of your long-distance relationship, are you sure you’re still not in the honey moon phase of the relationship? How much time have the two of you spent together as a couple? I’m sure these are questions you asked yourself. I have no idea what to suggest. If it were me, and I truly loved a guy, and I knew, and I mean I KNEW that he was the one I couldn’t live without, then I’d move. But I would have to be sure. My concern is that you may not know him well enough, I mean yes, you know him, you talk to him, you see him every so often, but you don’t know what he’s like to live with, do you? And if you think you do know him well enough and you are comfortable living with him and taking this relationship to the next level and you’re sure he’s on the same wave length as you, then I think moving might be a good idea. If you’re thinking of moving, then you have to ensure you both know what that would implicate – there has to be a guarantee that this is not just the two of you dating as BF/GF but that you’re talking permanent, monogamous relationship til’ death do you part. If your concern is about finding a job there, could you stay where you are now until you do find a job, that way you can start on equal footing? How about getting a transfer to the World Bank offices there? Jobs at an embassy? Or some other NGO type organization? With your skills, education, and work experience, I’m sure you’ll get pretty far. But do also consider that Spain is suffering from high unemployment rates right now too… But hey, how exciting is it that you found a guy who makes you feel so complete?! Whatever you decide to do, know that we all are rooting for your happiness and overall well-being. And I’m sorry about the loss of your dad. Condolences and white light to you and your entire family!
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Val
Member since Apr-22-04
1570 posts |
Sep-03-10, 03:11 PM (CST) |
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5. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #2
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Thanks Amal! Re: My concern is that you may not know him well enough Not nearly as well as I should to leave everything and move for him BUT what I do know I love and living apart, like this, It'll take me forever to get to know if there is more to love (or not, I guess). Re: If you’re thinking of moving, then you have to ensure you both know what that would implicate – there has to be a guarantee that this is not just the two of you dating as BF/GF but that you’re talking permanent, monogamous relationship til’ death do you part. This is where I need to be completely sure we're on the same page and I still have some doubts on. I don't want to seem desperate or pushy but I don't want to make a sacrifice like this w/ no security either. There are no WB offices in Spain, the only UN office in Madrid is UNAids. and yes, unempleoyment rates are crazy in Spain now (close to 20%).
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hopeful soul
Member since Nov-23-05
10564 posts |
Sep-03-10, 04:11 PM (CST) |
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7. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #5
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<"Not nearly as well as I should to leave everything and move for him BUT what I do know I love and living apart, like this, It'll take me forever to get to know if there is more to love (or not, I guess)."> I can understand where you're coming from. How can you get to know him if you can't spend time with him...it's a catch 22. Have you thought of doing a temporary move? I know with your work contract coming up for renewal it may not be a good time, but how about a 3 to 6 month trial period, where you take a leave of absence from work, move to Spain, and use that time to see where the relationship is going. If the only thing holding you back is work, family, and friends - well family and friends will always be there for you, no matter where you are and if work can be put on the back burner for a bit...I'm just sayin' - I mean if you're worried about being completely dependent on him, you could live off of your savings and possibly pay him rent or something for your living costs so that you wouldn't feel indebted or obliged - think Gracie Snow Denton  |
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Rox
Member since Apr-22-04
2893 posts |
Sep-03-10, 09:41 PM (CST) |
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14. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #9
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for heaven's sake's go! this is a romance board. what do you think i'm gonna tell ya, stay home while you got this hot unpredictable thing going with a hot guy in another country? Besides, you have family there! Right? So you will not be "totally" dependent on him. Go! Live! Love! Laugh! Have hot sex with this man you love like crazy. If it doesn't work out, well, it didn't work out. Life has no guarantees, you know that. But. You are young, single, free, no kids. You can always go home again. If you don't do this now, then when? Cocktail waitressing was the most fun job I ever had. Met tons of ppl, socialized with folks from work, made killer money and had a blast doing it. Find a fun flirtly job where you don't have to tax your brain where they'll pay you under the table. Go Val. Cause, I think I just talked myself into going in your place! LOL. |
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Val
Member since Apr-22-04
1570 posts |
Sep-04-10, 08:21 PM (CST) |
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19. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #16
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Thanks girls!!!!!!!!!! I am pretty much "decided" on the Nov-Dec thing BUT he has to be the one to either ask me to come or come up with something first b/c if not I'll feel this is all too one sided. I'm so crazy about this guy it's ridiculous. Only good thing about the mopping around while we're not together is that I've lost like 10 pounds lol
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luci_0775
Member since Jan-4-07
5490 posts |
Sep-03-10, 02:29 PM (CST) |
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3. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #0
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Well, he seems of a mind with you re this relationship so that is very encouraging if you decide to make the move. It's a tough decision and i think its one you have to decide upon yourself because its big so you must be super convinced about what you are doing. I totally understand the part about being dependent on him - i assume you mean financially. I have been dependent on my husband for 6 years. Now I just started a new job and should be getting a paycheck each month and while its nothing grand i can at least feel i will be contributing something after i pay off some of my shop debts. I am really glad you found love!! I am so sorry about your dad Val! I often wonder how you are doing and don't write on your FB wall because i don't want to intrude. I really hope this works out for the best. Lots of luck with your decision. Luci
Malta |
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efy
Member since Nov-17-08
906 posts |
Sep-05-10, 00:51 AM (CST) |
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24. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #0
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Hi Val,
What a rollercoaster year you have had.
Even though I don't know you as well as the others here - I would like to wish you the very best in the coming months and the choices you have to make.
If I were in your shoes, I would be doing my 'worse case scenarios' in my head. I do it every time I have some big choices. If there are no jobs - spend my savings, I come home.
If waitressing pay sucks - work harder, 2nd job, etc.
If Mr Right turns into Mr Wrong - pack my bag and come home. Like Rox says - go for it. The worse case scenario is you come home.
My one long distance relationship in my 20's was a beautiful thing - until we spent everyday for 3 months together during a trial period. OMG, how can 2 stubborn control-freaks live together when...but that's another story... Efy (Sydney)
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efy
Member since Nov-17-08
906 posts |
Sep-05-10, 11:02 PM (CST) |
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32. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #25
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I agree - you do not want drama, Amal.
We have a saying about bad relationships - better an empty house than a bad tenant.My story starts at age 20 while I was studying at university and waitressing part-time. I met him while waitressing, things got interesting quickly but he was already packing up his life in Sydney and moving to Brisbane, Queensland. (a 90min plane ride or 12 hour drive away). He was 26 and masterful, ambitious, a real go getter.
He moved before I really got to know him really well, so when we got together in person, things were intense and emotional and magical. I got so crazy about him and mixed up that I defered my degree to be with him. I almost dropped out altogether. I tried to transfer to a Queensland university but had to go on a waiting list. I moved in at Easter but I was gritting my teeth by June. All that 'knows-what-he-wants' attraction turned into a controlling nature that was unable to compromise. I moved, I quit Uni, I alienated family with my choices and I was broke. He had the home, the money and in his mind, the final say in what I did. I am too independant to live under authority without caring.
In the end, I swallowed my pride and we parted as friends and I returned to Sydney. I had a rebound relationship with a complete slob straight afterwards - I followed him to the UK. I was still mixed up. A lot.
I returned to my previous life and studies a year later and certainly wiser. Would I go back and change things - no way!
I learnt a lot about myself through my choices and experiences. I learnt what I can and can't endure.
And the worst case scenario was - I used up my emergency money to come home. Efy (Sydney)
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jenifer315
Member since Mar-31-07
2138 posts |
Sep-06-10, 12:40 PM (CST) |
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33. "RE: I need advice on love and who else would I turn to?"
In response to message #0
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Missed you around here. If you love him and want to be with him then do it. I've been re-evaluating my life and I've realized that you have one life to live. Do what will make you happy or you will regret it down the road. Life is an adventure. There are no gaurentees in life. Jenny |
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